Driving home from an especially stressful day at work today, I started to get a bit worried about my career choice. I don't believe I've said so on this blog, but I just recently got a job as a security dispatcher at an amusement park (That may sound like a lame job, but trust me, we get plenty of excitement. Today alone we had multiple EMT calls, a few thefts, and a couple of kids arrested for possession of cocaine and assaulting a security officer. Yesterday we had a fire, and fights among guests are a regular occurrence).

Anyway, today was my first day working my station alone - that meant that if I needed help or didn't know what to do with a call, that was too bad. The girl working on the other station was new at what she was doing as well, so we were both stressing and didn't have much opportunity to take breaks. On top of this, we had one of the busiest days I have ever seen. By the time I left, I felt like I was going to cry. So I thought to myself, if I can't handle this, how the hell am I going to manage being a police officer? All they do all day is respond to emergencies. It's like my job now, only with more serious problems and I have to actually fix them instead of simply telling others to.

In a few minutes of panic, I questioned the choice I made for my career path, and questioned myself - would I be able to handle a job like that? I calmed down quickly, though, and though of this: I did just fine today. I was stressed out, but I answered all of my calls and figured out the appropriate thing to do, with almost zero help. And already, emergencies are becoming routine to me. Between dispatch calls, I play sudoku and read books and eat fruit snacks. And this is after less than a month of working there. Certainly after working as a police officer for a few years, such emergencies will hardly phase me. And in any case, my reasons for choosing the career strongly overpower any reasons for changing my mind.

So I had a short "identity crisis" today, but overcame it. Now all I need is a friggin break. I'm exhausted.

Not that I have actually tried closing my laptop and turning off the lights. Does it make sense that I feel like I don't have the energy to do that? I have to get up in 6 and a half hours; that will be fun.

Anyway, college crap (what else?) is suddenly stressing me out. I was looking at Daniel's post about diabetes and how stuff that's out of his control is affecting his life and it brought me back to some old worries I haven't really thought about in a while.

I'm scared, because Criminal Justice is such a specific major. It pretty much feeds into policing and security, and isn't good for much else. I'm pretty sure I want to be a cop, but how do I know I won't get to my first day on the job and hate it? My desire to help others looks so great on the surface, but surely I'll get bored of solving non-violent domestic disputes and filing reports after everything I do.

And even if I love the job, I may not be able to do it. SJ's and SC's departments will accept me with the eyesight I have, but will anywhere else? And what if my eyesight degenerates rapidly around age 30, like it has with everyone in my family with optic atrophy? It will get much, much worse than 20/40, the minimum requirement for some of the most flexible police departments out there. Then what? I get fired for the genes I inherited from my father? Even if I'm allowed to continue working, is it worth putting my life, my coworkers' lives, and innocent victims' lives on the line because my vision won't be good enough to aim and shoot where I need to?

Then what good is a bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice? I have very little interest in any other areas of the justice system, and my education and training will be useless in any other professions. I like editing, and am quite good at it, but I know I could never get a job as an editor without any kind of degree in English (and no way am I doing all the reading and writing it takes to get one). I like acting, but that is a laughable backup career, and I know I'm not talented enough to make much (or any) money at it anyway. I like sports, but my eyesight will affect that too, and my body is decrepit enough as it is.

I don't have a ton of choice at this point, since I've already applied to my schools as a CJ major. But there's nothing I want to switch to, anyway. Criminal justice is the path I want to pursue, I'm just afraid that obstacles out of my control will prevent me and I don't really have any kind of backup plan.

I can't find a way to say what I feel eloquently. I have a bunch of disconnected thoughts and feelings that I believe deserve to be poetry or music but I can't string it together right - so here they are, unpolished and potentially nonsensical:

• The best words I can come up with to describe my love for you are overwhelming and overpowering. It just keeps hitting me again and again how much I love you, and every time it does, I love you more.

• Sometimes when we are lying there and I look at you, I feel a physical ache in my heart that seems to reach out to you. I literally love you so much it hurts. I never thought that was possible before.

• My GPA is probably going to drop significantly this semester because all I can focus on in class is you, and the time I could be doing homework I tend to spend with you instead.

• I am ashamed that I ever settled for anyone other than you.

• I don't understand how anyone else does.

That is all I've got for now. In short, I friggin' love you so much it's unbelievable. <720


OH MAN ORGANIZING STUFF INTO BULLET POINTS IS SUPER ROMANTIC.

I'm taking 14 units of stupid IGETC classes this semester (18 units total)...which apparently means I am stuck in classes full of fresh-out-of-high-school idiots who don't even want to be at school, let alone that general ed class. That's what I get for going to a community college.

I guess it's pretty ironic that I've been spending the last two days scoffing at the freshmen, since I am actually younger than them. But I do have at least a year on most of them in terms of college experience, and I've been scoffing at people older but less mature than me for years. What's annoying is that teachers tend to assume I am one of them, because their roll sheet tells them I am under 18.

HERE IS THE RUN-DOWN ON MY SCHEDULE GUYS:
(in case anyone cares?)

Logic & Critical Reasoning
Will probably be tolerable. The teacher seems nice enough, though she rants a bit obsessively about how technology is taking over society and we will soon be unable to function in the real world. I have to write 7 papers over the course of the semester, so keep on the lookout for suicidal tendencies.

Astronomy & Lab
Not bad, for a science class. Doesn't seem like it will be too much work. The teacher actual has us doing crap for the full 3 hours of the lab, though. Aughh! I also feel totally incompetent trying to measure things on the dome using my thumb and then trying to translate it down onto paper. There is a reason I don't draw, and it is because I suck. Also, constellations do not stand out to me at all. Even after they have been outlined with a laser pointer, I find them hard to see.

Boot Camp
WTF. Lamest boot camp ever. He told us that for Thursday's class, we will be spending 20 minutes "doing some kind of movement." Running, walking, crawling. He doesn't care. I'm considering taking it with the other teacher (at 6am, thrice a week), because apparently he actually whips you into shape.

American Government
Seems pretty cool. The teacher is really passionate about the subject, so I think it will be okay even though I have to do tons of work.

World Philosophers on Death
Not my favorite class, but there won't be too much work - I only have to write part of one (15-page) paper. I'm quite interested in learning about the different religions we will be talking about; less interested in hearing all the stupid comments my ex mutters under his breath every time he thinks his knowledge is superior to the teacher's (hint: this is very often)

Firearms Terminology & Safety
I'll find out tomorrow night. But there is no way it won't be kickass, yadadamean?? I'm reading the textbook for fun right now. I'm pretty sure I've never done that. For any class. I wonder how often we get to go down to the range.


In any case, I can't frigging wait until summer.

So I've got...a dilemma, I guess. You might call it a problem, but it's a pretty good problem to have, all things considered. And even though Daniel is pretty much the only one who reads my blog, I'm going to write about him in third person!


Here is my problem:

When I kiss him, I want so badly to pour all of the emotion I am feeling into that kiss. I want him to be able to feel how much I love and trust him. But in the moment, it never feels like enough. He's so amazing and nothing I could do could live up to how I'm feeling. It's surprisingly frustrating. Hopefully these words make sense, and will help get the message across.

I also feel like these feelings deserve to be poetry, but I can't find a rhythm.

I guess I'll just keep trying.