fluffisacoolword's Xanga

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 06:01:42 GMT

I don't remember exactly how it came up in conversation, but Cecily asked me yesterday if I would die for Daniel.

That's kind of a big question. I've never really felt that I would unwaveringly give my life for anyone. Instinct tells us to do everything possible to stay alive, so it's hard to imagine yourself jumping in front of a bullet for anything. I've been asked that question before about friends and relatives, and I've always said "yes" not out of true certainty but out of a sort of societal obligation to do so. Saying no is saying that you're heartless. But it's hard to make these kinds of decisions when you're not actually faced with the necessity to decide. So when she asked, I settled for an honest "I don't know."

Then today, driving home from my workout, Coldplay's "Yellow" came on the radio. Maybe it's weird that something like that triggered the epiphany, but the line "for you I'd bleed myself dry" hit me hard. And I realized the truth of the statement as I sang along to it. I realize as I'm writing this how insanely cheesy it sounds, but for him I really would bleed myself dry. I would do anything for him.

Look at the stars.
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do.
Yeah they were all yellow.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 00:07:05 GMT

Driving home from an especially stressful day at work today, I started to get a bit worried about my career choice. I don't believe I've said so on this blog, but I just recently got a job as a security dispatcher at an amusement park (That may sound like a lame job, but trust me, we get plenty of excitement. Today alone we had multiple EMT calls, a few thefts, and a couple of kids arrested for possession of cocaine and assaulting a security officer. Yesterday we had a fire, and fights among guests are a regular occurrence).

Anyway, today was my first day working my station alone - that meant that if I needed help or didn't know what to do with a call, that was too bad. The girl working on the other station was new at what she was doing as well, so we were both stressing and didn't have much opportunity to take breaks. On top of this, we had one of the busiest days I have ever seen. By the time I left, I felt like I was going to cry. So I thought to myself, if I can't handle this, how the hell am I going to manage being a police officer? All they do all day is respond to emergencies. It's like my job now, only with more serious problems and I have to actually fix them instead of simply telling others to.

In a few minutes of panic, I questioned the choice I made for my career path, and questioned myself - would I be able to handle a job like that? I calmed down quickly, though, and though of this: I did just fine today. I was stressed out, but I answered all of my calls and figured out the appropriate thing to do, with almost zero help. And already, emergencies are becoming routine to me. Between dispatch calls, I play sudoku and read books and eat fruit snacks. And this is after less than a month of working there. Certainly after working as a police officer for a few years, such emergencies will hardly phase me. And in any case, my reasons for choosing the career strongly overpower any reasons for changing my mind.

So I had a short "identity crisis" today, but overcame it. Now all I need is a friggin break. I'm exhausted.

You don't always have
To do everything right.
Stand up for yourself,
And put up a fight.
I'm gonna live my life.
I can't ever run and hide.
I won't compromise
'Cause I'll never know.
I'm gonna close my eyes,
I can't watch the time go by.
I won't keep it inside,
Freak out, let it go.

Proof that I am growing up:

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 01:58:29 GMT

I've started cleaning my room on a monthly (sometimes even weekly) basis, instead of yearly or two/three times a year
When I packed my suitcase for Montana, I folded my clothes!
I'm working 40 hours a week this summer. I'm not sure how that's going to go, but I did 33 hours last week, no sweat.
I recognize that I have a budgeting problem and a coffee addiction, and that I need to fix these things. This does not, however, mean that I have the will power to actually do so.
Strangers have stopped assuming I'm a kid, and sometimes even think I'm 21. This is not a maturity thing, but it's still proof that I'm growing up
When I get my paychecks from work, I'm going to spend them on getting my car fixed, despite my desire to spend it on things like clothes or a straight-perm.
I am so incredibly ready to move into my apartment in August, and for all of the responsibilities involved in living on my own.

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face.
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now, when I'm dreaming of your face.
I'm here without you, baby,
But you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you, baby,
And I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you, baby,
But you're still with me in my dreams.
And tonight, it's only you and me.

I can't sleep

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 08:26:42 GMT

Not that I have actually tried closing my laptop and turning off the lights. Does it make sense that I feel like I don't have the energy to do that? I have to get up in 6 and a half hours; that will be fun.

Anyway, college crap (what else?) is suddenly stressing me out. I was looking at Daniel's post about diabetes and how stuff that's out of his control is affecting his life and it brought me back to some old worries I haven't really thought about in a while.

I'm scared, because Criminal Justice is such a specific major. It pretty much feeds into policing and security, and isn't good for much else. I'm pretty sure I want to be a cop, but how do I know I won't get to my first day on the job and hate it? My desire to help others looks so great on the surface, but surely I'll get bored of solving non-violent domestic disputes and filing reports after everything I do.

And even if I love the job, I may not be able to do it. SJ's and SC's departments will accept me with the eyesight I have, but will anywhere else? And what if my eyesight degenerates rapidly around age 30, like it has with everyone in my family with optic atrophy? It will get much, much worse than 20/40, the minimum requirement for some of the most flexible police departments out there. Then what? I get fired for the genes I inherited from my father? Even if I'm allowed to continue working, is it worth putting my life, my coworkers' lives, and innocent victims' lives on the line because my vision won't be good enough to aim and shoot where I need to?

Then what good is a bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice? I have very little interest in any other areas of the justice system, and my education and training will be useless in any other professions. I like editing, and am quite good at it, but I know I could never get a job as an editor without any kind of degree in English (and no way am I doing all the reading and writing it takes to get one). I like acting, but that is a laughable backup career, and I know I'm not talented enough to make much (or any) money at it anyway. I like sports, but my eyesight will affect that too, and my body is decrepit enough as it is.

I don't have a ton of choice at this point, since I've already applied to my schools as a CJ major. But there's nothing I want to switch to, anyway. Criminal justice is the path I want to pursue, I'm just afraid that obstacles out of my control will prevent me and I don't really have any kind of backup plan.

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok.
Yeah, I try to believe you.
But I don't.
I don't know how I'll feel,
Tomorrow, tomorrow.
I don't know what to say.
Tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day.
Gimme a little time.
Leave me alone a little while.
Maybe it's not too late.
Not today...

Family on Facebook

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 19:48:44 GMT

When my mom got a facebook, it wasn't a huge deal. I just removed a couple of semi-incriminating bumper stickers, a couple of wall comments, and accepted the friend request. She leaves me alone for the most part, and it's not much of a problem. Unfortunately, she has apparently become the bridge for the rest of my extended family to get in on my social life. I'm now "friends" with my sister, mother, three cousins, and my aunt. But the reason I'm writing this is because of the friend request I got last night: my grandmother.

I love my family. They're great. But I really don't like the idea of my parents and grandparents seeing all my interactions with my friends. It's not like I have anything to hide; it's just annoying - like having those relatives come with you and your friends to the movies or something. And having comments from your mother like "This should TOTALLY be your profile pic!" on your pictures and "Want to talk?" on a status that subtly alluded to sex...it's embarrasing, juvenile as it sounds. I want to delete the comments; I want to de-friend her. But how do you explain that to your mother, who just wants to connect with her daughter who spends way too much time on the computer? How do you explain to your grandmother why you ignored her friend request?

I might sound like an annoying teenage brat when I say it, but parents (and grandparents) don't belong on facebook. If they want one to stay in touch with their friends, that's fine. But please, leave me and my page alone.

On a totally different note, I've been listening to Avril Lavigne a lot recently. I had stopped for a while, but I'm getting back into her music. Her songs make me feel...different somehow. Better, definitely. Stronger. I dunno. It's also helping my desire to write my own songs (which was sparked by The Hatnappers, actually).

So I'm gonna go back to rockin' out to the Avril I'm blasting in my room. =)

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring.
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme.
So knock me off my feet.
Come on now, give it to me.
Anything to make me feel alive.
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed.
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life.
I'd rather be anything but ordinary, please.
Let down your defenses,
Use no common sense.
If you look, you will see
That this world is a beautiful accident,
Turbulent, succulent,
Opulent, permanent, no way.
I wanna taste it,
Don't wanna waste it away.

Sappy love entry, just in time for Sappy Love Day

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 07:03:48 GMT

I can't find a way to say what I feel eloquently. I have a bunch of disconnected thoughts and feelings that I believe deserve to be poetry or music but I can't string it together right - so here they are, unpolished and potentially nonsensical:

The best words I can come up with to describe my love for you are overwhelming and overpowering. It just keeps hitting me again and again how much I love you, and every time it does, I love you more.

Sometimes when we are lying there and I look at you, I feel a physical ache in my heart that seems to reach out to you. I literally love you so much it hurts. I never thought that was possible before.

My GPA is probably going to drop significantly this semester because all I can focus on in class is you, and the time I could be doing homework I tend to spend with you instead.

I am ashamed that I ever settled for anyone other than you.

I don't understand how anyone else does.

That is all I've got for now. In short, I friggin' love you so much it's unbelievable. <720

OH MAN ORGANIZING STUFF INTO BULLET POINTS IS SUPER ROMANTIC.

Bored

Wed, 11 Feb 2009 04:47:01 GMT

Colleen..., you are a

You see the big picture. You easily take the broad, long view of almost any topic. You are comfortable juggling myriad facts. You tend to synthesize material easily and think in webs of factors, not straight lines. You are imaginative and enjoy ideas.

You are also socially savvy. You are good at both talking and listening. And you generally read people's faces, body postures and tone of voice accurately, so you often intuitively understand what people want and need.

You are also highly compassionate. You care deeply about others. So you are inclined to make personal sacrifices to be a supportive friend and colleague. And you are idealistic and altruistic; you like to work to improve the world.

And you have an adventurous side; you enjoy new ideas and novel experiences and you want to share these with an enthusiastic partner. But you are particularly fond of people who are direct, decisive, focused and tough-minded, people who complement your more flexible, agreeable and affable style.

Sees the big picture
Imaginative
Intuitive
Verbal skills
Empathetic
Trusting
Introspective

Novelty seeking
Impulsive and spontaneous
Curious
Creative
Flexible
Open-minded
Energetic

As a Negotiator, you seek a spiritual, life long connection to a "true love". But you don't want someone who is emotionally dependent. You admire people who need a good deal of autonomy. Marriage is important to you; but the social pledge of matrimony is far less sacred than the personal commitment you privately make to your beloved. You avoid conflict and strive for harmony in your primary relationship. So you express your love regularly-with hugs, thoughtful presents, romantic weekends or by creating other special times together. And you want a mate who is daring, playful and adventurous, yet one who will balance you-someone who is calm, decisive, strong-willed, focused and supportive of your enthusiastic, caring and imaginative spirit.

You dislike conflict. You seek "win-win" solutions. You are good at sharing power and ideas. And you are a master at the art of intimacy-building deep and exciting relationships with others. Nevertheless, you often enjoy solitude or intense interactions with just one individual or a few close friends. And you particularly enjoy people who like to play with abstract theories and ideas, provide insights, search for symbolic meanings in life and relationships and have a broad interest in the world.

Because you can see so many angles to an issue or decision, you can be indecisive.
Your need to please can turn to placating and your trusting nature can make you gullible.
When you feel betrayed you can be unforgiving and hold a grudge too long.

You tend to naturally gravitate to DIRECTOR/explorers.

Take the quiz here.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 03:18:51 GMT

I'm taking 14 units of stupid IGETC classes this semester (18 units total)...which apparently means I am stuck in classes full of fresh-out-of-high-school idiots who don't even want to be at school, let alone that general ed class. That's what I get for going to a community college.

I guess it's pretty ironic that I've been spending the last two days scoffing at the freshmen, since I am actually younger than them. But I do have at least a year on most of them in terms of college experience, and I've been scoffing at people older but less mature than me for years. What's annoying is that teachers tend to assume I am one of them, because their roll sheet tells them I am under 18.

HERE IS THE RUN-DOWN ON MY SCHEDULE GUYS:
(in case anyone cares?)

Logic & Critical Reasoning
Will probably be tolerable. The teacher seems nice enough, though she rants a bit obsessively about how technology is taking over society and we will soon be unable to function in the real world. I have to write 7 papers over the course of the semester, so keep on the lookout for suicidal tendencies.

Astronomy & Lab
Not bad, for a science class. Doesn't seem like it will be too much work. The teacher actual has us doing crap for the full 3 hours of the lab, though. Aughh! I also feel totally incompetent trying to measure things on the dome using my thumb and then trying to translate it down onto paper. There is a reason I don't draw, and it is because I suck. Also, constellations do not stand out to me at all. Even after they have been outlined with a laser pointer, I find them hard to see.

Boot Camp
WTF. Lamest boot camp ever. He told us that for Thursday's class, we will be spending 20 minutes "doing some kind of movement." Running, walking, crawling. He doesn't care. I'm considering taking it with the other teacher (at 6am, thrice a week), because apparently he actually whips you into shape.

American Government
Seems pretty cool. The teacher is really passionate about the subject, so I think it will be okay even though I have to do tons of work.

World Philosophers on Death
Not my favorite class, but there won't be too much work - I only have to write part of one (15-page) paper. I'm quite interested in learning about the different religions we will be talking about; less interested in hearing all the stupid comments my ex mutters under his breath every time he thinks his knowledge is superior to the teacher's (hint: this is very often)

Firearms Terminology & Safety
I'll find out tomorrow night. But there is no way it won't be kickass, yadadamean?? I'm reading the textbook for fun right now. I'm pretty sure I've never done that. For any class. I wonder how often we get to go down to the range.

In any case, I can't frigging wait until summer.

Religion (Again)

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 20:49:28 GMT

A while back, in this blog, I tried to explain why I am atheist. It didn't come out right, I think, as all I could really think to say is "because that's what I believe." What I meant by that is that I am not atheist out of spite for something God has done (or not done) to me - which is what most people seem to assume. That doesn't make sense to me, because anger at God has a precondition of believing in Him.

But the reason I'm going back to this idea is because I feel my beliefs have been misunderstood. I don't know if I can explain it right this time, but I want to give it a shot. I will probably come back to the topic again somewhere down the line and try again.

I said in my past entry on religion that I don't need to believe in a god to see the beauty of a sunset or the brilliant complexity of nature. That sounded like I meant that I see beauty despite a lack of belief in god. That's not the case. I see beauty because of a lack of god. I think it's amazing that such beauty can be the effect of chaos and coincidence. I find that much more breathtaking than it being someone's creation. I think it's wonderful that life has no plan - that means that we can take it and do what we want with it. We each have the power to change the world in whatever way we can; our life has not been mapped out for us.

In the area of religion, it is impossible to say who is correct. Those who know are dead and buried, and thus little use to us in terms of answers. Beyond that, it doesn't matter if a person believes in God or not. I don't believe any god would deny access to heaven because you chose the wrong religion - all there is to do is live your life as well as you can and love the people around you with all of your heart. I feel that if you do that, it is irrelevant whether you were following any god's rules or sending that love to him also. Some people would call this viewpoint (that the bottom line is "we don't know") agnostic. In that sense, I suppose I am. But if I had to give my best guess I would say that there is no god.

Does this make any sense?

Even this is not exactly why I am atheist. It is more about why I don't think I am worse off because of it. I guess I will be back to this topic later.

Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough

Monday, January 12, 2009

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 05:42:33 GMT

So I've got...a dilemma, I guess. You might call it a problem, but it's a pretty good problem to have, all things considered. And even though Daniel is pretty much the only one who reads my blog, I'm going to write about him in third person!

Here is my problem:

When I kiss him, I want so badly to pour all of the emotion I am feeling into that kiss. I want him to be able to feel how much I love and trust him. But in the moment, it never feels like enough. He's so amazing and nothing I could do could live up to how I'm feeling. It's surprisingly frustrating. Hopefully these words make sense, and will help get the message across.

I also feel like these feelings deserve to be poetry, but I can't find a rhythm.

I guess I'll just keep trying.

If I were the moon, I could catch your eye
I'm jealous of the moon
If I were the wind, I would make you fly
I'm jealous of that too
I wish I were the sun shining on your face,
Caressing like a lover
I would wrap you in a warm embrace
We'd be holding one another
I'm jealous of the sun
I don't wanna share you with nothing else
I gotta have you to myself
I can't help it
I'm so in love
I just can't get you close enough, no
When it rains on your face
I almost can taste
Your beauty, your grace
I'm jealous of the rain